5 Ways to Screw Your Mental Health

Sarcasm cleanses the soul. Therefore, I want to take this opportunity to amuse you with some surefire ways to frustrate your therapist. After all, you know you should put your mental health on the very top of your priorities. Especially when you have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and other forms of general “madness”.

giphy cheshire ca
via giphy

(I really like to understand “madness” in a Carroll-ian way so don’t be offended)

But how often do we truly recognize that we are actively ruining our sanity? Even worse, how often do we blame others? We get caught up in conflicts. We fail once and predict that we will fail again. We fear being judged and let that fear paralyze us.

By presenting this list I hope to make you laugh and show you that you’re not the only one in this world who thinks like this.

You focus on your weaknesses

You poor thing. There is so much you cannot do, so much you do not know. You never dare to initiate a conversation let alone ask your crush for a date. Are you having trouble finding any good reasons why someone should hire you?
Congratulations! You are successfully focusing on each and every one of your flaws. Which is great. Because recognizing a problem is the first step on the path to its solution. Ruminating about a flaw will decrease it in size. And when those flaws are still there, it means you have not thought about them enough!
Stop seeing your friends. Cancel all your plans. Avoid any instance with the potential of fun or joy until you are done with overthinking. This has been proven to work. True story.

You’re adamant that you can read other peoples’ minds

I wonder why you have not yet made a decent living by going on T.V. with your mad telepathic skills. After all, you know exactly it’s YOUR FAULT that your boss is in his worst mood ever. You must have made a grave mistake. But why won’t he confront you about it? Will he just wait until upper management allows him to fire you?
And when your coworker Susan forgot to offer you milk and instead put it back in the fridge when you had your daily 10 o’clock coffee? Like she chose to actively ignore you.

Because everyone hates you. EVERYONE. There is no other option. How could your boss possibly have had a super stressful commute? And how could Susan expect you to make a noise in case you still wanted some milk? Now go back to the kitchen to bend all the teaspoons with the power of your mind. Sweet, sweet revenge.

You always comply

You are the only human on this planet. Everyone else is but an all-knowing celestial being. If they say that you should stay in your stressful job because it is reasonable then you definitely should do that. And if they say that people who talk to shrinks will always be helplessly crazy then don’t get help. And if they say that you should totally go to a party because people will judge you if you don’t… you get the idea. ALWAYS comply with standards that are imposed on you. It will DEFINITELY make you happier.

You beat yourself up

Garbage Throw Me Out GIF by Sarah's Scribbles - Find & Share on GIPHY

Gif: via Giphy (Sarah’s Scribbles)

Did you always wish to be as strong as your schoolyard bully, so you, too, could fight? Now you can! Gather all of your insults and shame-inducing comments and lash out at yourself! You will never need anyone to criticize you because your inner persecutor will do all the work. Made a minor mistake at work? You’re a loser and you will never get promoted. Behaved awkwardly in a conversation because you were lost in thought? You will always be alone. Making a REAL mistake with REAL consequences? Apocalypse. Now.

You don’t question yourself

So, up until this point, we have concluded that you, my friend, are a mind-reader and a bully. Also, you spend your day pondering about everything that’s wrong with you. And at the SAME TIME, you always go with the flow in order to not raise eyebrows. So, you actually do have some skills, right? “But wait”, I hear you say, “somehow, all of this does not make any sense…” STOP right here! Never, ever, question yourself and your perceptions. Remember Susan, that bitch? Oh, she is already plotting against you with that barista who took your order of a “bagel ON a bag” (quoted from wonderful Sarah C. Andersen).

Did this offend you? If so, I hope to hear from you in the comments. Let it all out! But please, in case you did not read the introduction to this post, consider looking up “sarcasm” in the dictionary.

And if this did NOT offend you, then I must have done something wrong.

Do you have more ways to mess with your mental health? Comment down below! I’d love to hear your story.